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Insensitive comments - ideas on how to respond

Here are a few ideas on how to respond to some of those insensitive comments people can make when they hear you have had a loss.


 At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn't really a baby.
1. If it wasn't a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn't do, affected the life of my baby.

2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer is common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Any comment response:
1. I'm sure you're saying that because you are trying to make me feel better, and I do appreciate the intention. But if you really want to help, please understand that you can't make the death of my baby better. What would be great is if you look at it like any other death, and just give me sympathy.
2. Thanks for trying to comfort me - but when you say my baby wasn't meant to be [or other coment] you are making my baby less than - not a real loss - minimising the loss. I need you to realise that my baby wasn't less than. My baby was everything.

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